Last week was the Novembering service at Open Door.. they set aside specific time to remember those who we've lost in the past year. I didn't know that a part of the sermon would be recounting some of the memories from Julie's death. I felt it again as I heard it the first time, albeit less sobbing and more just free flowing tears, and I realized how close it still felt and still how tragic it happened.
I still really miss her, and still wonder how it can hurt so much when it felt like we'd only known each other for such a short time. In all honesty, there were times since I had gotten back until her death that I wondered if we always really "clicked" or if she really enjoyed my company. I guess that stuff was just my insecurity, maybe because she talked so much of the time and I wondered if she thought it odd that I didn't always have something to say. This much I know now, she was like that with everyone, and that's why we loved her so much. The things she said always had to do with people, because she cared about everyone so much and could tell stories of our lives to her other friends. Of course, it wasn't gossip... most of the time.... :) ;) She just... well.. yeah, she was a story teller.. a really good story teller, and I loved to listen to her.
There was this one time though... I was at home talking to my mom about something "semi" important or atleast it was just a good conversation.. and julie called... the first thing I thought was... hmm, this might be a long convo. but, maybe not. Well, sure enough... we finished making some plans and then somehow she told me all about this other thing that happened on some other day that sort of fit and yet also was definitely a bunny trail. At the end of the conversation we laughed about how the majority of the conversation had nothing to do with the initial call. I went back to the kitchen to find my mom and if I recall correctly, it took us a few minutes to remember what we had been talking about. The thing is, I love stories, especially ones with good/interesting or funny endings... and hers most always had them.
Thanks for listening blog-land... it's good to tell stories and thoughts... I guess it just helps in the process of this. So, this is what remains, it's still hard... 4months or whatever later... and there's no guidebook on grief (okay, maybe there is, but i don't know where it is)... so i just let myself feel what it is at that moment, and not drag it on if it's not there.
yep... so ... love you and miss you still julie... oh wandering sales!
Saturday, November 08, 2008
tales of target, fall, and the art in me
The last time I wrote I was in much confusion about where I was headed and how it was going... I was sifting through it. I still am, but I have found a better fitting full time job now, which has brought a certain peace to my soul.
Let's back track a bit before I tell of my new position.
If there was one thing I learned from Target, it was how much I'll appreciate the service from the employees, the ones who put my fitting room items back... and the ones who also put back my returns... and the ones who help me find things and ask "can i help you find something" even though they hate feeling like a bother. I've also learned that it is much harder to begin a conversation being the one who is ringing your purchase because you've said the same things over and over to the guest and after the 5th one, it's hard to be original. I loved when the guest would engage in my question of "how are you today" and ask me the same thing.
The fall went by quickly and technically I suppose it's still fall... but I so enjoyed watching the leaves turn colors. I didn't get to see much of that last year, as I left just as they started to change. I raked leaves in my back yard and took walks around the neighborhood and even biked all the way to Lk Calhoun and back from Hopkins. Although in the fall there were many cries out to God saying "HELP ME, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"... He's guided my steps and brought me to a place of deep dependence and continuing understanding of being His Beloved.
About two weeks ago during a spiritual direction session a question was posed to me that maybe painting and creating in my Rabbi's presence is something he is calling me to, things that are only for Him and for nobody else. Creating things for Him, just because. Going back to the basics and not worrying about color theory, concept, or layout... just putting colors on paper and seeing what happens. The times I have done this have been kind of theraputic, and oftentimes hard because I always have this dialog going in my head thinking about concepts and fonts and layouts. Getting out of that mind-set is hard, but I think it is essential to learn before I go deeper into starting any kind of business. (I'm not saying it's totally on hold... just on stand-by, if you will)
As I look back over the last years, everything I've ever created (aside from photos and personal things) has always been "for something"... be it a customer, family member, friend, school assignment, or projects during DTS (I always felt like my paintings had to measure up to something). In all of those scenarios, there was someone I was trying to impress or do my best for.. it wasn't all wrong, but if you don't have balance, it's not a good thing. During outreach I was really faced with these things... so afraid that my paintings wouldn't be "good enough" and could I even be called an artist. For so long, I've wrapped a lot of my identity in being an artist, when the truest thing about me to the core is that I am God's Beloved, His child. He loves the gifts he has given me, but they alone don't make me who I am. He desires for me to use them but not find myself in them. As an artist, it is hard to be balanced and put yourself into a creation, yet have a separation knowing that if it doesn't meet someone's expectations it doesn't mean you personally have failed. Even in writing that, I confuse where the line is and have a hard time explaning the concept. I guess I'm still articulating it, but what I know is true is that I need to spend time creating just to create... for my Abba.. and for nobody else... and if at some point I decide to use some of those things in the future, so be it. But, I do know that some of those things are for Him and Him only.
I was going to write about my current job now, but I think it makes more sense to just leave this post as is... until next time...
cheers, mate!
Let's back track a bit before I tell of my new position.
If there was one thing I learned from Target, it was how much I'll appreciate the service from the employees, the ones who put my fitting room items back... and the ones who also put back my returns... and the ones who help me find things and ask "can i help you find something" even though they hate feeling like a bother. I've also learned that it is much harder to begin a conversation being the one who is ringing your purchase because you've said the same things over and over to the guest and after the 5th one, it's hard to be original. I loved when the guest would engage in my question of "how are you today" and ask me the same thing.
The fall went by quickly and technically I suppose it's still fall... but I so enjoyed watching the leaves turn colors. I didn't get to see much of that last year, as I left just as they started to change. I raked leaves in my back yard and took walks around the neighborhood and even biked all the way to Lk Calhoun and back from Hopkins. Although in the fall there were many cries out to God saying "HELP ME, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"... He's guided my steps and brought me to a place of deep dependence and continuing understanding of being His Beloved.
About two weeks ago during a spiritual direction session a question was posed to me that maybe painting and creating in my Rabbi's presence is something he is calling me to, things that are only for Him and for nobody else. Creating things for Him, just because. Going back to the basics and not worrying about color theory, concept, or layout... just putting colors on paper and seeing what happens. The times I have done this have been kind of theraputic, and oftentimes hard because I always have this dialog going in my head thinking about concepts and fonts and layouts. Getting out of that mind-set is hard, but I think it is essential to learn before I go deeper into starting any kind of business. (I'm not saying it's totally on hold... just on stand-by, if you will)
As I look back over the last years, everything I've ever created (aside from photos and personal things) has always been "for something"... be it a customer, family member, friend, school assignment, or projects during DTS (I always felt like my paintings had to measure up to something). In all of those scenarios, there was someone I was trying to impress or do my best for.. it wasn't all wrong, but if you don't have balance, it's not a good thing. During outreach I was really faced with these things... so afraid that my paintings wouldn't be "good enough" and could I even be called an artist. For so long, I've wrapped a lot of my identity in being an artist, when the truest thing about me to the core is that I am God's Beloved, His child. He loves the gifts he has given me, but they alone don't make me who I am. He desires for me to use them but not find myself in them. As an artist, it is hard to be balanced and put yourself into a creation, yet have a separation knowing that if it doesn't meet someone's expectations it doesn't mean you personally have failed. Even in writing that, I confuse where the line is and have a hard time explaning the concept. I guess I'm still articulating it, but what I know is true is that I need to spend time creating just to create... for my Abba.. and for nobody else... and if at some point I decide to use some of those things in the future, so be it. But, I do know that some of those things are for Him and Him only.
I was going to write about my current job now, but I think it makes more sense to just leave this post as is... until next time...
cheers, mate!
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