So we might breath you deep...
For those of you who don't know, I shared a part of my story in the service this weekend. If you missed it you can go to Open Door's website and click on This Week's sermon. You can watch it on Quicktime or Window's Media Player, however it may not show up until Mon. or Tues....
Here is the text version of it... if you don't want to wait... (there were four others who shared as well, so I'd encourage you to watch it, they had great things to share as well).
- I love how God works in my life, it's never the same. And it's always in His perfect timing, even when I try and mess it up.
Recently, he has been showing me the places in my life that need cleansing. I didn't know exactly how to start, so I met with the Restoration Through Prayer people here at church. Through that time of prayer and discussion I was able to uncover some feelings of bitterness that I always felt awful about.
The root of those feelings formed in my adolescent years, years when my parents struggled with my sister's rebellion. In those times of battle, I was left alone praying for God to send someone to rescue me or just make the fighting stop. I never recognized the bitterness, because I felt guilty for having those feelings, when my parents and especially my mom didn't mean to neglect my needs. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a parent in that situation.
The Restoration Through Prayer took place just a couple days before the "Dying to Live" sermon. Even though I was able to see and acknowledge the bitterness during that prayer time, I didn't fully know how to let it go, or still didn't know if I wanted to let it go.
During the time of the first sermon I didn't feel I should rush up to bury my seed. I needed time to think about what it was I was actually doing. I wrestled with life that whole week. I knew I needed to share this with my parents, but the winds of resistance blew strong and I didn't put much effort in.
As a result, Sunday morning came and I hadn't met with them, I wondered if I should still go up. As I searched my heart, I realized that it was still something I needed to do, but that in doing so, I still needed to speak to my parents.
So I went up, spent some time at the cross and buried my seed. It wasn't anything magical and I didn't feel an immediate change, but it was the first hard step of death, into becoming more alive.
The next step meant talking to my parents, and this time I planned it right away. Even though I knew they would listen, it was still hard.
But, once I shared those feelings I felt lighter and I knew healing was taking place. It meant for me, that I had fully died to that bitterness and brought light into the dark places of my heart.
Like I said before, this is just the beginning, I know there are more things in my life that need to die, and I am excited for the new life that I believe will grow in me.Being a part of the service this weekend was exhausting, it was very different than I expected. Though I didn't really know what to expect... I didn't realize just how emotinally draining it would be. Part of me, if I'm real honest, feels like the weekend was wasted, though I shouldn't say it like that because it was an incredible time and I know God moved. But, I mean, I didn't get a whole lot done, it's that "I need a vacation from my vacation," feeling, but with the weekend. I guess I need to learn that sometimes it is okay to not get things done. I never pictured myself as a work-a-holic or a task oriented person. Maybe it's just the fact that I didn't get to choose how I spent my time, feels kind of selfish, there were things I wanted to do though. But, I couldn't have done anything different... hmmm... I'm rambling and going off on a tangent... so what else do I want to say?
It was hard.
I honestly thought the hardest part would be the actual speaking, which don't get me wrong it definitely was with fear and trembling that I shared, but the time after second service of knowing it was done was the hardest.
I was just talking to my sister today and I think that it's just that "let-down" feeling. I never knew I'd feel that way... it's not like I was performing and hoping for a good response, honestly it really didn't matter to me. Of course, I did want my friends to support me (which they did), but I wasn't really concerned with how the congregation received it. Al just kept reminding us over and over that it's not about us, it's about God and giving the glory to Him.
(ugh.. side note: I hate my loud and obnoxious neighbors and their LOUD bass... it's giving me a headache... and did last night, too! until i called the cops at 1:30AM-2:30 with time change)
Why is it that it's so hard for me (today) to feel like rejoicing for what He has done in my life, I guess it just still feels like dying. This process is still going on, and I really really just want the life to come.. <
Dear Jesus,
I know that what you've done in me, this weekend and over the last year has been life changing... and right now I feel the enemy attacking, would you BIND his evil thwarts against me, God!
4 comments:
Oh Lisa, I listened to the service and wish I had been there in person to see you. Your story is so familiar to me. My mom started working with my dad when I was only 8 years old and I was a latchkey kid before it was normal. The loneliness I felt was enormous in those years and I developed some survival skills that I still have to continue dying to even to this day. It has taken years for me to get past my anger and hurt towards my mom but she has worked very hard to make up for her mistakes so that has helped. I will be 50 this year and my mom is 81 and the last few years have been the best ever. My sister has chosen to hang on to her bitterness and rarely sees my parents at all. She has so many other "life giving" sources in her world that the need just isn't there for her apparently. Thankfully, God has blessed me with so many out of control life situations that I need Him so much I will do whatever it takes to stay close to Him.
I just want to encourage you that the life is coming more than you can imagine right now. This is all very recent for you so it's natural to kind of hit bottom when you deal with big stuff in such an open and honest way. Hopefully, you have a nice boss who will give you a day off when you need one. This morning at bible study many women talked about their own "death experiences" that have been going on in the recent past so there is definitely a fresh wind blowing at Open Door. Thanks for your part in it.
Linda, your words are golden to me! Thank you.. I am blessed to be working for a boss who understands.
Lisa, I wish I could have been there this past weekend to hear you in person, but I watched the video. It was very moving. Your courage to work with your parents through this and to open yourself up to the congregation show an amazing amount of personal growth as well as helping others to understand they aren't alone.
Feeling a let down after a draining weekend like this is perfectly normal. There is a feeling of what next steps need to be taken. It sounds like right now what you need is just time.
Thanks so much for sharing this on your blog.
Dear Lisa, You have always been my joy and always will be. You know my love for you has always been constant in your life throughout the many trials our family has gone through. You were awesome this weekend. I am so very proud of you. My tears flowed at every service while you spoke.
Thank-you for your words and courage of sharing your heart, for allowing God to touch you in ways that only He can. As long as God gives me breath, I will always be here for you, night or day. You are in my prayers and heart always. I thank God for the restoration He is bringing to us. May you always remember that you are never alone, even in the darkest of nights. I love who you are...Love, Mom
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