holding back

About a week and a half ago I was talking to a good friend of mine... it was about a lot of different stuff, but one thing that came up was how I tend to hold things back in conversations. At first I just explained that I tend to hold my opinions to myself in some situations because others usually have much stronger ones and really good explanations to what they are feeling.

As for me, I obviously do have opinions, but I tend to hold them back because I have a hard time articulating them into things that others will understand. I feel sometimes if I try to make a bold statement, or hold an opinion about something I don't know the complete hardcore facts about, others will start asking "why's" or pointed questions that I can't answer. And then, I'll look stupid for having the opinion. Or I just won't be able to fully explain what I'm trying to say... so I hold back and let others speak.

I grew up with a sister(whom i love dearly) who was very vocal and could explain her life away in whatever circumstance needed. She could debate either side of any situation, and always seemed to have the perfect answer for the questions or whatever it was that she encountered. I remember watching/listening to her and my mom argue over and over about the same thing, and sometimes they'd be saying the exact thing, but in completely opposite ways. It drove me crazy. One thing I remember from those times was that my mom would at some point tell her, "I'm not wired the same way you are, my mind can't keep up with yours, you need to slow down and talk rationally"... or something to that effect.
This is how my mom and I are so alike, and though it's wonderful to know someone who understands that, I wish I could have more of my sister in me.

So, that's just some background to how I've come to learn and be the person I am today. I am trying to learn to change, to not care what people think of how things come out of me. The thing is, I don't worry about what they think of my opinion, it's about not knowing if they'll understand what I'm saying, and if they'll take the time to listen.

I've also noticed through a conversation my roomate and I were having, and through the book "Captivating" I just finished, that besides in groups of people, I do the same thing one on one. But, in these cases, it has more to do with what they will think. I'm afraid when it comes to a decision or "issue" of some kind, that I'll be rejected or not understood, or a whole heap of things. I'm so afraid of the unknown sometimes. I stand back and think about that and say to myself, "Isn't better to just find out what the unknown is?"
It's a hard concept to grasp... and to learn... learn to trust even though there are so many times that have been proven to me it will be okay.
Here is an excerpt from Captivating that speaks a bit about this...
"...But we don't get to wait to offer our lives until we have our acts together. We don't get that luxury. If we did, would anyone ever feel like offering anything? God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share and give in our weaknesses. He wants us to offer the beauty that he has given us even when we are keenly aware that it is not all that we wish it were. He wants us to trust him.
How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive, is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be. It is our loving response to our Lover's invitation."

I finished the book, and it is soo good! I encourage any woman young or old to read it! I could read it again and get more things from it.

May I continue to understand that it doesn't matter how it comes out...
I want to take risks, and if I get hurt and fall down, He'll pick me back up and I'll learn from whatever I stumbled on.