Tomorrow is New Year's Eve... I wish everyone a Happy New Year.
This year was filled with many high highs and low lows. I feel like a broken record, as I mentioned the same thing in the previous post, but it's true. And, on Saturday night, there was one last(hopefully) low, yet not so low at the same time. My dear young friend Raheem from Hopkins Village, Belize passed away due to complications with double pneumonia. His family hurried him to the hospital in Belize City only to find that their ventilator wasn’t working. They tried hand forcing the oxygen but finally Raheem asked for them to stop.
It is such a hard deal. He brought so much joy and life into many peoples lives, yet many days his health was not so good. The days I was able to be with him a couple years ago, were precious ones, filled with many giggles, smiles, and teasing. He was a good teaser. There were also moments where he was in pain, and just wanted to be alone or didn't have a whole lot to say. The last night I saw him, he said this to me, "Good bye Lisa, see you late.. uh next summer or uh sometime... Goodbye" He knew that I might not be back, so he said goodbye.
As much as I'm saddened by this, it also means Raheem is now running, skipping, jumping and swimming along with his sister Cindy who passed about two years ago now. Another cool thing is that this spring/summer Raheem got to live his dream and fly in a helicopter. Amazing.
I just pray now for their family... may comfort be surrounding them, most especially Destiny the last one who also has the disease. There are two other children, Sarah and Josiah... their mother is Vicky and their father is Neal. May they not lose sight of their savior. Emmanuel.. God with Us.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Reflections of Christmas and the New Year
On this eve of Christmas eve, well actually it's 1am, so it IS xmas eve... I sit amongst the gifts I've wrapped and reflect on the time that has passed this year.
MUCH has gone on in my life and in my friends and families lives, as usual, but this last year it just seems like so much more. For me, there were many transitions and changes from travels to several countries, to adjusting back home, figuring out what to do when your plans don't work out, moving out of the 'rents house and finding a job to pay the bills.
My "christmas card" broadly made points on each of these things, but as I listened to this week's sermon online some things became a little clearer. The message title was The Unexpected Cost of Mary's "Yes" and it really got me thinking about the place I am in right now.
Since before I left Australia, the Lord gave me an invitation, to follow in the footsteps of the unknown and trust that He will provide. I accepted an invitation to live life in a different way, to not go back to where I was before I left. I am in new waters... and they are hard to wade through at times. I am constantly reminded that as a culture, what we "do" for a living is highly valued. And for me, when I talk about my "job" and what I do for a "living"... I have these mixed feelings inside. I get a knee jerk when I tell people I work at Ritz Camera/Proex Portraits because my education was for Graphic Design and I just got back from a Discipleship Training School... why am I not a missionary or a designer for some company? I fear that people will judge me because I'm not using my education and I said "no" to going back to my old job where I was making a decent amount more than I do now. Who does that?
Me.
If you've followed my blog at all in the last 6mos. you know that my original plans upon returning were to get a job at a coffee shop... get the feel for what it's like. One of my ideas in the future is to own/work for/co-colaborate a coffee shop that incorporates art, music, and loose ministry, and GOOD coffee and tea... a place for people to connect and build relationship.
No jobs were opening up in the coffee shop biz... times are tight... plan b. I didn't have a plan b, and so I desperately found a job at Target... hated it. THen, landed a job at Proex.
Okay, so, what does all this mean and how is this a reflection of Christmas... I think it's a theme for a lot of us, that when we say "yes" to God we don't know what the weight of that yes fully means until we're in the midst of it. Mary didn't know either... but HE did. And He throws a lot of stuff on us that we ourselves can't handle... without Him.
So, this new year, I'm leaning on Him again and often times I will fail to spend as much time with Him as I want to... but I'm going to try harder... not because I should, because I desire and want to...
I'm going to step out in faith and focus on the things I want to do... my greeting card line, and also be in conversation to others about the coffee shop idea. I know God has placed these things on my heart and I want to see what He will do with them.
(p.s. it's actually dec. 26th.. haha)
MUCH has gone on in my life and in my friends and families lives, as usual, but this last year it just seems like so much more. For me, there were many transitions and changes from travels to several countries, to adjusting back home, figuring out what to do when your plans don't work out, moving out of the 'rents house and finding a job to pay the bills.
My "christmas card" broadly made points on each of these things, but as I listened to this week's sermon online some things became a little clearer. The message title was The Unexpected Cost of Mary's "Yes" and it really got me thinking about the place I am in right now.
Since before I left Australia, the Lord gave me an invitation, to follow in the footsteps of the unknown and trust that He will provide. I accepted an invitation to live life in a different way, to not go back to where I was before I left. I am in new waters... and they are hard to wade through at times. I am constantly reminded that as a culture, what we "do" for a living is highly valued. And for me, when I talk about my "job" and what I do for a "living"... I have these mixed feelings inside. I get a knee jerk when I tell people I work at Ritz Camera/Proex Portraits because my education was for Graphic Design and I just got back from a Discipleship Training School... why am I not a missionary or a designer for some company? I fear that people will judge me because I'm not using my education and I said "no" to going back to my old job where I was making a decent amount more than I do now. Who does that?
Me.
If you've followed my blog at all in the last 6mos. you know that my original plans upon returning were to get a job at a coffee shop... get the feel for what it's like. One of my ideas in the future is to own/work for/co-colaborate a coffee shop that incorporates art, music, and loose ministry, and GOOD coffee and tea... a place for people to connect and build relationship.
No jobs were opening up in the coffee shop biz... times are tight... plan b. I didn't have a plan b, and so I desperately found a job at Target... hated it. THen, landed a job at Proex.
Okay, so, what does all this mean and how is this a reflection of Christmas... I think it's a theme for a lot of us, that when we say "yes" to God we don't know what the weight of that yes fully means until we're in the midst of it. Mary didn't know either... but HE did. And He throws a lot of stuff on us that we ourselves can't handle... without Him.
So, this new year, I'm leaning on Him again and often times I will fail to spend as much time with Him as I want to... but I'm going to try harder... not because I should, because I desire and want to...
I'm going to step out in faith and focus on the things I want to do... my greeting card line, and also be in conversation to others about the coffee shop idea. I know God has placed these things on my heart and I want to see what He will do with them.
(p.s. it's actually dec. 26th.. haha)
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Last week was the Novembering service at Open Door.. they set aside specific time to remember those who we've lost in the past year. I didn't know that a part of the sermon would be recounting some of the memories from Julie's death. I felt it again as I heard it the first time, albeit less sobbing and more just free flowing tears, and I realized how close it still felt and still how tragic it happened.
I still really miss her, and still wonder how it can hurt so much when it felt like we'd only known each other for such a short time. In all honesty, there were times since I had gotten back until her death that I wondered if we always really "clicked" or if she really enjoyed my company. I guess that stuff was just my insecurity, maybe because she talked so much of the time and I wondered if she thought it odd that I didn't always have something to say. This much I know now, she was like that with everyone, and that's why we loved her so much. The things she said always had to do with people, because she cared about everyone so much and could tell stories of our lives to her other friends. Of course, it wasn't gossip... most of the time.... :) ;) She just... well.. yeah, she was a story teller.. a really good story teller, and I loved to listen to her.
There was this one time though... I was at home talking to my mom about something "semi" important or atleast it was just a good conversation.. and julie called... the first thing I thought was... hmm, this might be a long convo. but, maybe not. Well, sure enough... we finished making some plans and then somehow she told me all about this other thing that happened on some other day that sort of fit and yet also was definitely a bunny trail. At the end of the conversation we laughed about how the majority of the conversation had nothing to do with the initial call. I went back to the kitchen to find my mom and if I recall correctly, it took us a few minutes to remember what we had been talking about. The thing is, I love stories, especially ones with good/interesting or funny endings... and hers most always had them.
Thanks for listening blog-land... it's good to tell stories and thoughts... I guess it just helps in the process of this. So, this is what remains, it's still hard... 4months or whatever later... and there's no guidebook on grief (okay, maybe there is, but i don't know where it is)... so i just let myself feel what it is at that moment, and not drag it on if it's not there.
yep... so ... love you and miss you still julie... oh wandering sales!
I still really miss her, and still wonder how it can hurt so much when it felt like we'd only known each other for such a short time. In all honesty, there were times since I had gotten back until her death that I wondered if we always really "clicked" or if she really enjoyed my company. I guess that stuff was just my insecurity, maybe because she talked so much of the time and I wondered if she thought it odd that I didn't always have something to say. This much I know now, she was like that with everyone, and that's why we loved her so much. The things she said always had to do with people, because she cared about everyone so much and could tell stories of our lives to her other friends. Of course, it wasn't gossip... most of the time.... :) ;) She just... well.. yeah, she was a story teller.. a really good story teller, and I loved to listen to her.
There was this one time though... I was at home talking to my mom about something "semi" important or atleast it was just a good conversation.. and julie called... the first thing I thought was... hmm, this might be a long convo. but, maybe not. Well, sure enough... we finished making some plans and then somehow she told me all about this other thing that happened on some other day that sort of fit and yet also was definitely a bunny trail. At the end of the conversation we laughed about how the majority of the conversation had nothing to do with the initial call. I went back to the kitchen to find my mom and if I recall correctly, it took us a few minutes to remember what we had been talking about. The thing is, I love stories, especially ones with good/interesting or funny endings... and hers most always had them.
Thanks for listening blog-land... it's good to tell stories and thoughts... I guess it just helps in the process of this. So, this is what remains, it's still hard... 4months or whatever later... and there's no guidebook on grief (okay, maybe there is, but i don't know where it is)... so i just let myself feel what it is at that moment, and not drag it on if it's not there.
yep... so ... love you and miss you still julie... oh wandering sales!
tales of target, fall, and the art in me
The last time I wrote I was in much confusion about where I was headed and how it was going... I was sifting through it. I still am, but I have found a better fitting full time job now, which has brought a certain peace to my soul.
Let's back track a bit before I tell of my new position.
If there was one thing I learned from Target, it was how much I'll appreciate the service from the employees, the ones who put my fitting room items back... and the ones who also put back my returns... and the ones who help me find things and ask "can i help you find something" even though they hate feeling like a bother. I've also learned that it is much harder to begin a conversation being the one who is ringing your purchase because you've said the same things over and over to the guest and after the 5th one, it's hard to be original. I loved when the guest would engage in my question of "how are you today" and ask me the same thing.
The fall went by quickly and technically I suppose it's still fall... but I so enjoyed watching the leaves turn colors. I didn't get to see much of that last year, as I left just as they started to change. I raked leaves in my back yard and took walks around the neighborhood and even biked all the way to Lk Calhoun and back from Hopkins. Although in the fall there were many cries out to God saying "HELP ME, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"... He's guided my steps and brought me to a place of deep dependence and continuing understanding of being His Beloved.
About two weeks ago during a spiritual direction session a question was posed to me that maybe painting and creating in my Rabbi's presence is something he is calling me to, things that are only for Him and for nobody else. Creating things for Him, just because. Going back to the basics and not worrying about color theory, concept, or layout... just putting colors on paper and seeing what happens. The times I have done this have been kind of theraputic, and oftentimes hard because I always have this dialog going in my head thinking about concepts and fonts and layouts. Getting out of that mind-set is hard, but I think it is essential to learn before I go deeper into starting any kind of business. (I'm not saying it's totally on hold... just on stand-by, if you will)
As I look back over the last years, everything I've ever created (aside from photos and personal things) has always been "for something"... be it a customer, family member, friend, school assignment, or projects during DTS (I always felt like my paintings had to measure up to something). In all of those scenarios, there was someone I was trying to impress or do my best for.. it wasn't all wrong, but if you don't have balance, it's not a good thing. During outreach I was really faced with these things... so afraid that my paintings wouldn't be "good enough" and could I even be called an artist. For so long, I've wrapped a lot of my identity in being an artist, when the truest thing about me to the core is that I am God's Beloved, His child. He loves the gifts he has given me, but they alone don't make me who I am. He desires for me to use them but not find myself in them. As an artist, it is hard to be balanced and put yourself into a creation, yet have a separation knowing that if it doesn't meet someone's expectations it doesn't mean you personally have failed. Even in writing that, I confuse where the line is and have a hard time explaning the concept. I guess I'm still articulating it, but what I know is true is that I need to spend time creating just to create... for my Abba.. and for nobody else... and if at some point I decide to use some of those things in the future, so be it. But, I do know that some of those things are for Him and Him only.
I was going to write about my current job now, but I think it makes more sense to just leave this post as is... until next time...
cheers, mate!
Let's back track a bit before I tell of my new position.
If there was one thing I learned from Target, it was how much I'll appreciate the service from the employees, the ones who put my fitting room items back... and the ones who also put back my returns... and the ones who help me find things and ask "can i help you find something" even though they hate feeling like a bother. I've also learned that it is much harder to begin a conversation being the one who is ringing your purchase because you've said the same things over and over to the guest and after the 5th one, it's hard to be original. I loved when the guest would engage in my question of "how are you today" and ask me the same thing.
The fall went by quickly and technically I suppose it's still fall... but I so enjoyed watching the leaves turn colors. I didn't get to see much of that last year, as I left just as they started to change. I raked leaves in my back yard and took walks around the neighborhood and even biked all the way to Lk Calhoun and back from Hopkins. Although in the fall there were many cries out to God saying "HELP ME, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"... He's guided my steps and brought me to a place of deep dependence and continuing understanding of being His Beloved.
About two weeks ago during a spiritual direction session a question was posed to me that maybe painting and creating in my Rabbi's presence is something he is calling me to, things that are only for Him and for nobody else. Creating things for Him, just because. Going back to the basics and not worrying about color theory, concept, or layout... just putting colors on paper and seeing what happens. The times I have done this have been kind of theraputic, and oftentimes hard because I always have this dialog going in my head thinking about concepts and fonts and layouts. Getting out of that mind-set is hard, but I think it is essential to learn before I go deeper into starting any kind of business. (I'm not saying it's totally on hold... just on stand-by, if you will)
As I look back over the last years, everything I've ever created (aside from photos and personal things) has always been "for something"... be it a customer, family member, friend, school assignment, or projects during DTS (I always felt like my paintings had to measure up to something). In all of those scenarios, there was someone I was trying to impress or do my best for.. it wasn't all wrong, but if you don't have balance, it's not a good thing. During outreach I was really faced with these things... so afraid that my paintings wouldn't be "good enough" and could I even be called an artist. For so long, I've wrapped a lot of my identity in being an artist, when the truest thing about me to the core is that I am God's Beloved, His child. He loves the gifts he has given me, but they alone don't make me who I am. He desires for me to use them but not find myself in them. As an artist, it is hard to be balanced and put yourself into a creation, yet have a separation knowing that if it doesn't meet someone's expectations it doesn't mean you personally have failed. Even in writing that, I confuse where the line is and have a hard time explaning the concept. I guess I'm still articulating it, but what I know is true is that I need to spend time creating just to create... for my Abba.. and for nobody else... and if at some point I decide to use some of those things in the future, so be it. But, I do know that some of those things are for Him and Him only.
I was going to write about my current job now, but I think it makes more sense to just leave this post as is... until next time...
cheers, mate!
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Time to start writing again
It's time... there are many thoughts running through my head tonight. There have been for many nights, it's just that I haven't made the time to write because somehow it feels like work, even though I know it will be good when I finally get it all out.
Three weeks ago I made a decision to move out of my parents house and moved in with a friend and one of her friends. We live in Hopkins, in a little house, and it actually has a white picket fence around the backyard. It's this great deal for rent and has a basement where I can set up my desk/computer AND easel etc. to paint.
I felt the pull to get out on my own, and at this point I don't know if it was "God's leading" or just me feeling the need to move out of my parents' house. God bless 'em, they were great for letting me take their space, but it was time.
Moving out meant finding a job... somewhere, anywhere.. (close that is) and one place that is ALWAYS hiring is Target. These things happened fast, and before I knew it I got this job and now I'm working about 40hrs/wk... and I'm asking myself... What am I doing? No, this is not the perfect fit for me, but I need to pay the bills I've now chosen to take on with moving.
It's not ideal, and often I feel I may have made the leap a little too soon. I am accepting the place where I'm at right now, but I can't pretend that it's easy or say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these were the right decisions. I do know that the Lord is still with me in this place I am in... He's in the struggle within me.
What I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God is leading me into new and unknown waters, and it is extremely scary. I often feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of feelings... thoughts of excitement about what free-lancing and painting might look like, but then to be contrasted with thoughts wondering if I really can make it work and ever survive without another income.
I still have yet to land on a name for my free-lancing company... the one I have been tossing around is LizBec Design... but when I tell others, they don't give me the impression that it's a great name. It's not ALL about what others think, but it does make a difference and I'm still not even sold on it.
Three weeks ago I made a decision to move out of my parents house and moved in with a friend and one of her friends. We live in Hopkins, in a little house, and it actually has a white picket fence around the backyard. It's this great deal for rent and has a basement where I can set up my desk/computer AND easel etc. to paint.
I felt the pull to get out on my own, and at this point I don't know if it was "God's leading" or just me feeling the need to move out of my parents' house. God bless 'em, they were great for letting me take their space, but it was time.
Moving out meant finding a job... somewhere, anywhere.. (close that is) and one place that is ALWAYS hiring is Target. These things happened fast, and before I knew it I got this job and now I'm working about 40hrs/wk... and I'm asking myself... What am I doing? No, this is not the perfect fit for me, but I need to pay the bills I've now chosen to take on with moving.
It's not ideal, and often I feel I may have made the leap a little too soon. I am accepting the place where I'm at right now, but I can't pretend that it's easy or say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these were the right decisions. I do know that the Lord is still with me in this place I am in... He's in the struggle within me.
What I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God is leading me into new and unknown waters, and it is extremely scary. I often feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of feelings... thoughts of excitement about what free-lancing and painting might look like, but then to be contrasted with thoughts wondering if I really can make it work and ever survive without another income.
I still have yet to land on a name for my free-lancing company... the one I have been tossing around is LizBec Design... but when I tell others, they don't give me the impression that it's a great name. It's not ALL about what others think, but it does make a difference and I'm still not even sold on it.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Just Design it!
That's a terrible play on words... or I don't even know if it's a play on words... it's instead of "Just Do it"... you know, Nike.
Anyways... I've kicked myself in the butt and decided that the only best time to start this free-lancing I keep talking about is NOW. The present... if I don't just start, I'll never do anything, it'll always be... "I'll start when I get a full time job, or when the summer ends, or when pigs fly... basically... and I don't want that to happen.
SO...... here we go... I don't know exactly where the best place is to start, except that figuring out a name for myself, my company is probably a good place. That's where I get stuck... Lisa's Designs is boring... I want something that's me, but isn't overboard. Anybody out there like to play with words or come up with ideas?? Heelllp!
What do you need from me to help YOU brainstorm? Let me know...
cheers.
Anyways... I've kicked myself in the butt and decided that the only best time to start this free-lancing I keep talking about is NOW. The present... if I don't just start, I'll never do anything, it'll always be... "I'll start when I get a full time job, or when the summer ends, or when pigs fly... basically... and I don't want that to happen.
SO...... here we go... I don't know exactly where the best place is to start, except that figuring out a name for myself, my company is probably a good place. That's where I get stuck... Lisa's Designs is boring... I want something that's me, but isn't overboard. Anybody out there like to play with words or come up with ideas?? Heelllp!
What do you need from me to help YOU brainstorm? Let me know...
cheers.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
remembering julie... and the struggle of the process
Last week in the midst of my thursday I heard some terrible news. A friend that I had reconnected with, a few months before I left for Australia, died in a tragic death at the Temperance River.
The last 7days have been rough. I've struggled with many thoughts... such as... I didn't know her as long as some, why am I so upset? Of course I'm upset, she was an amazing woman who connected with others and was intentional about where she invested her time. I was honored to be invested in, and invest in her in return.
As I type this, images of her run through my mind. I think we connected on a deep level without even having loads of deep conversations. I just knew she cared about our friendship and where it was going... I think we both knew that it was going to be long lasting. I think that's where the hit comes so hard, I was so looking forward to spending time getting to know her more. We were supposed to counsel together in a couple of weeks at the jr high Angel Tree camp, which happened to be held at the same camp we both counseled at back in the summer of 1999. At that time, as I've been sharing with others lately, Julie and I never really spoke much and the only reason I can come up with is because my best friend was counseling with me that summer. I really wish the circumstances back then were different, but in this last year it was our joke that "we never spoke back then, not a word."
I brought up a question or struggle last night as I was posting on a wall of a friend on facebook... i said,
"i've wrestled sometimes with knowing what/how to pray... except for comfort and peace. sometimes, truthfully(- using in tribute to julie) i tire of praying it over and again, i want there to be something else to say".
And also, truthfully there are more words to say to my God in heaven, my abba father, but the words are just my struggle and i want to have words that feel like they are "helping" in some way or something. I know God knows my heart, and he's not interested in my exact wording... I guess just showing up is even enough sometimes. But then, sometimes I struggle saying "I'm praying for you, or my prayers are with you" to others because in this specific situation I really don't have the words to pray. Can you pray for others without words? Or maybe it's that I really don't give it as much thought, i give up with the words. i don't know... just processing this as i type. any thoughts out there?
Thanks for listening to my ramblings tonight.
I guess this begins my posts at Random Lisa Thoughts... although it sounds like blogging is especially rare these days...
The last 7days have been rough. I've struggled with many thoughts... such as... I didn't know her as long as some, why am I so upset? Of course I'm upset, she was an amazing woman who connected with others and was intentional about where she invested her time. I was honored to be invested in, and invest in her in return.
As I type this, images of her run through my mind. I think we connected on a deep level without even having loads of deep conversations. I just knew she cared about our friendship and where it was going... I think we both knew that it was going to be long lasting. I think that's where the hit comes so hard, I was so looking forward to spending time getting to know her more. We were supposed to counsel together in a couple of weeks at the jr high Angel Tree camp, which happened to be held at the same camp we both counseled at back in the summer of 1999. At that time, as I've been sharing with others lately, Julie and I never really spoke much and the only reason I can come up with is because my best friend was counseling with me that summer. I really wish the circumstances back then were different, but in this last year it was our joke that "we never spoke back then, not a word."
I brought up a question or struggle last night as I was posting on a wall of a friend on facebook... i said,
"i've wrestled sometimes with knowing what/how to pray... except for comfort and peace. sometimes, truthfully(- using in tribute to julie) i tire of praying it over and again, i want there to be something else to say".
And also, truthfully there are more words to say to my God in heaven, my abba father, but the words are just my struggle and i want to have words that feel like they are "helping" in some way or something. I know God knows my heart, and he's not interested in my exact wording... I guess just showing up is even enough sometimes. But then, sometimes I struggle saying "I'm praying for you, or my prayers are with you" to others because in this specific situation I really don't have the words to pray. Can you pray for others without words? Or maybe it's that I really don't give it as much thought, i give up with the words. i don't know... just processing this as i type. any thoughts out there?
Thanks for listening to my ramblings tonight.
I guess this begins my posts at Random Lisa Thoughts... although it sounds like blogging is especially rare these days...
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